…will always be the question.
i’m a big man behind this keyboard. like everyone else, i can claim to change the world with the push of a few keys. but where it counts the most is where there is no technology at all. this is where i often fail. once my spirit is connected with another’s (in person), there are no amount of computer screens that could shield me from the dance, the war, the joy and pain that will overtake us.
i love writing and dreaming and praying for better things to come. i’ve seen evidence of a different kingdom in the most insignificant of places and there’s no doubt in my mind that it is worth striving for with every fiber of my being. but i’ve also been a conduit for pain. how it can be that i hurt the people i love the most will forever remain a mystery to me, but the truth is that i do it more frequently than i care to admit. i do it with my actions (or lack thereof); not the words i say or the ideals i believe in, but the things i do.
so don’t believe what i say on here. people write and say a whole lot that they never follow through on. when something you read on here sounds too good to be true, you’re right to question it. there has been far too much bullshit delivered from my fingertips. henceforth, let my yes be yes and my no be no. when you see me screwing up, treating my wife like something common rather than a treasure to be held, trying to one-up a friend, losing my temper…know that i am not what i confess or believe. but pray, as i do, that the hope we have within us will someday break through and that love and reconciliation will reign supreme above all forms of hypocricy and false hope.
may i never be an idealist, but an activist in ever facet of my life. i want to live like each breath will be my last, rather than hoping that i will get a second chance with each new day. grace is so amazing and essential, but i crave to be what is writhing inside of me. relying on grace is something we all must do, but when we drink from that well more than we do from the living water of the kingdom, we will remain in perpetual reluctance. we will not be. we will simply write, speak and praise the things we wish we were.
no. that is not for you and me. we must be who we were meant to be.